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[10 Feb 2010|09:23pm] |
Post anonymously, and say anything.
This may not work but it's worth a shot.
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| Cry baby cry |
[11 Mar 2008|01:58am] |
Sometimes I feel like I'm only excelling if I'm doing something self satisfying. Writing. Taking pictures. Reading a good book. I don't know. I don't do any of those things anymore. I merely exist on a daily basis and I know this isn't what my life is supposed to be. My life is more than a twenty minute drive from Mt. Zion to Noah's Ark. I need to learn to pay attention. I sit in class and breathe. I contribute nothing. I want to learn. I want an education. Maybe there are too many distractions. I need room to stretch and grow. I need to be pushed. I need to be forced. But I know I can only do these things for myself. I took my sista to her drug dealers house tonight. On the way there the hood of my car flew up. Thank God I drive like a grandma. But back to the issue. I feel like a piece of shit for contributing to her addiction. It was her birthday though so if she wants to geek, I guess she's allowed to. She was literally dope sick too. I wish she would open her mind up and see that she is killing herself. Her birthday especially is one I am thankful for because I never really know. We went to get tatted today. Devotion was closed so we said fuck it. Tomorrow though. "EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT." I want my life to be an array of beautiful moments. Beautiful people. Beautiful emotions. I know shit storms are inevitable. But I'm tired of focusing on the negativity. I saw the most beautiful pink sun today. I know the same sun rises and falls everyday, but I feel like I'm experiencing something completely new every time I see it.
I have so much homework to do. I hate to admit that I'll be happy when summer is here so I can go out and party hardy. I also hate to admit that I kind of want to get drunk by myself, in my room, in a house full of people I love, and watch a good movie and cry, or draw stupid pictures and cry or listen to good music and really fucking cry.
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[16 Apr 2007|04:20pm] |
It's so great. I was thinking the other day that I hope you give your kids more than a life they have to struggle beautifully to overcome. You write so well. I'm not being presumptuous in noting that your life's recurring themes involved drugs and alcohol; I'm just being literate really. If I didn't know your family I would gracefully accept the fact that you're a great writer and likely a blooming alcoholic. I would think it was great, like Ernest Hemingway. All he did was write novels and get drunk and amass a crazy collection of six-toed cats. And that's fine. Are you working on being published? It doesn't really matter even if you are, because I have seen the filth your father lives in and I don't want his existence to become yours or yours to become his or whichever of the tragic ways it would go. When a stepfather becomes abusive and a stepdaughter bears the burden of his addiction, and when a real father lies in a inebriated coma for much of all his days, I don't think they're searching for a "greater understanding of self." I think that's the point where self has already been lost. Maybe I don't want you to lose yours.
i forgot about this journal. those anonymous post things have always been my favorite. i still have no idea who wrote this but i wish i did. i am glad that my life no longer revolves around drugs and alcohol. i still drink but my blood is clean (minus the cigarette smoking). i am bursting with energy right now. wanting to scream and sing at the top of my lungs. listening to lifetime, something i have not done since high school. i need to get ready for work. i really just feel like going outside and playing with the neighbors pups and soaking up the sun. but the wind might ruin that. maybe i will start writing in this again. i can never make up my mind. it's okay though. i am going to have a party sometime soon. i need to. and also i have to work monday-sunday (double!). my floor manager must hate me. i feel like bitching but i made a list of goals and positive patty is kicking negative nancy's ass as of late.
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[13 Nov 2006|10:51pm] |
i am so tired.
went to look at apartments.
found a really cheap one.
700 something a month.
they were selling knockoffs in the office.
welcome to the ghetto.
i really don't care though.
it's a roof and it's cheap.
went to ATL.
took so many pictures.
got lost for two hours.
went to see cole today.
he is two weeks old.
he was so tiny.
so beautiful.
i can't wait to love something
so beautiful.
to really love something more than
life itself.
i'm getting drunk right now.
just read my journal.
this summer was horrible.
my life is completely fucked because
of drugs:
"wooomp wooomp wooomp."
"so cold it burns."
"pick your pony."
xtc.
mushrooms.
acid.
xanax.
morphine.
who knows what else i've put in my body.
i miss him right now.
the drugs filled the void.
and when i had him, i didn't care for any other
feeling because i was so in love.
and love was enough.
i just miss loving someone.
i miss having a reason.
i'm happy but i'm not at my full potential.
i don't know if i ever want to give myself to someone again.
i made fun of chris for saying that exact sentence, but.
i really don't know anymore.
i just don't want to settle for anyone, you know.
i hate being the wallflower.
i need to break out of my own skin.
i hate that i can't open up.
i'm trying to change.
really, i am.
but i think this is who i am.
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[07 Mar 2006|04:08pm] |
switching back to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) routinefumbling.
i'll add you guys on there.
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[06 Mar 2006|03:06am] |
well too much silence can be misleading.
you're drifting,
i can hear it in the way that you're breathing.
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came,
well it's leaving,
it's leaving
today i woke up at 3
in the afternooon and then i
started drinking at 6 and then
i sat outside for about five or
six hours. i watched the sunset
and then i remembered that
if you stare at the sun,
there is a possibility that
you could go blind.
i met a kid named nathan and i
gave him:
chuck palahniuk's survivor
and look look magazine and
betting on the muse by charles
bukowski. he said it was his
uncle's favorite author.i told
him he would fall in love,
hopefully. i am eating grapes
and contemplating the meaning of
life and why do i always call everyone
that hates me when i am drunk?
plain and simple, i miss them.
i am so tired
of trying to explain myself to people.
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[05 Mar 2006|01:22am] |
apparently i got sick last night too.
i love how i can't remember it though.
i need to quit drinking!
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[04 Mar 2006|02:20am] |
| [ |
music |
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kidtheodore-lonelyangel |
] |
tonight i went over to michael's with katelyn. i had three mixed drinks and three beers and i hit the gravity bong and also the bowl twice. which means i am gone. i called my dad. he told me i sang out of tune. erin and i sang each other howie day and laughed for about ten minutes straight. i also talked to lauren who i miss so much. tonight at michaels, the stars were out and the trees enclosed me. i found orion's belt and missed melissa because when we were tripping we looked for orions belt for about twenty minutes. i am in such a good mood. i bought a pack of five dollar cloves tonight. they made me sick. i smoked cloves before i smoked cigarettes. yuckyuckyuck. i miss my backyard and my puppy dogs. ( either peace or happiness, let it enfold you. )
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[03 Mar 2006|11:48am] |
why in the world would anybody
want their mouth to look like that?
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[03 Mar 2006|02:55am] |
"don't dwell over people who are
in your past. there is a reason
they are in your past and not
in your future."
cheesy? kind of. but it makes a lot of sense.
tuesday night i smoked two bowls and drank
two mixed drinks. baaad combination. i ended
up getting sick and wednesday morning i woke
up drunk. fun! last night i went to dinner with
katelyn and laura. we decided to go explore
valdosta. i love just randomly driving. we found
a really pretty lake that we weren't allowed
to go to because it was in a gated community.
we ended up going to michael's house where
we smoked out of the hookah and listened to
persian music. the music was really beautiful.
the coals that we used with the hookah kept
sparking. they reminded me of tiny fireworks.
michael asked to draw our hands for his art
portfolio. he's a really good artist. i was
looking through his sketchbook, completely in awe.
he also let us look through his photos and i
realized how much i miss taking pictures.
katelyn and i went outside and i learned that she
likes exploring abandoned houses too so we're
going to drive around valdosta and see what
we can find. before we left michael's we hit
the g-bong, which is probably my favorite thing
to smoke out of. we came back to campus and
walked to the huge fountain on the front lawn.
the stars weren't out and the clouds lit up the
sky. it was just a really nice night.
on another note:
i'll be home in seven days.
which just happens to be erin's
big 2-0. i'm sososososo excited.
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[19 Feb 2006|05:56am] |
silent hearts have lost all
their rage.
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[17 Feb 2006|03:17pm] |
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i want my whole life lined
with a topical anesthetic.
chuck palahniuk
this thing beating in my chest,
well, i really don't want it anymore.
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[14 Feb 2006|06:12pm] |
everyone thinks i'm falling apart.
all i want to do is prove them wrong.
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[13 Feb 2006|10:25pm] |
i just walked in on this meeting thing called sex, lies and chocolate. it's crazy. "do girls like it when guys go down on them? do boys expects sex on valentines day? blaaaah." it's pretty funny. since singles' awareness day is tomorrow we figured we'd celebrate with a brand new bottle of mccormicks tonight. hmm, yes i am that pathetic. i'm about 90% positive that i'm going to go to bonnaroo. hello, radiohead is going to be playing. a lot of people i know are going. vsu road trip 2006! i hope cat power is still going to be performing. today in biology we watched a video from pbs and now i want a cuddlefish that will change colors. i'm looking forward to spring break and working at carrabba's, seeing as i don't have a dime to my name and sadly, i'm serious. i've been living off loans since august.
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[11 Feb 2006|08:24pm] |
Listen to Chris Simpson's Zookeeper.
And have a good night!
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