capillaries

Cry baby cry

2008-03-11T06:29:18Z

Sometimes I feel like I'm only excelling if I'm doing something self satisfying. Writing. Taking pictures. Reading a good book. I don't know. I don't do any of those things anymore. I merely exist on a daily basis and I know this isn't what my life is supposed to be. My life is more than a twenty minute drive from Mt. Zion to Noah's Ark. I need to learn to pay attention. I sit in class and breathe. I contribute nothing. I want to learn. I want an education. Maybe there are too many distractions. I need room to stretch and grow. I need to be pushed. I need to be forced. But I know I can only do these things for myself. I took my sista to her drug dealers house tonight. On the way there the hood of my car flew up. Thank God I drive like a grandma. But back to the issue. I feel like a piece of shit for contributing to her addiction. It was her birthday though so if she wants to geek, I guess she's allowed to. She was literally dope sick too. I wish she would open her mind up and see that she is killing herself. Her birthday especially is one I am thankful for because I never really know. We went to get tatted today. Devotion was closed so we said fuck it. Tomorrow though. "EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT." I want my life to be an array of beautiful moments. Beautiful people. Beautiful emotions. I know shit storms are inevitable. But I'm tired of focusing on the negativity. I saw the most beautiful pink sun today. I know the same sun rises and falls everyday, but I feel like I'm experiencing something completely new every time I see it.

I have so much homework to do. I hate to admit that I'll be happy when summer is here so I can go out and party hardy. I also hate to admit that I kind of want to get drunk by myself, in my room, in a house full of people I love, and watch a good movie and cry, or draw stupid pictures and cry or listen to good music and really fucking cry.

capillaries @ 2007-04-16T16:20:00

2007-04-16T20:26:22Z

It's so great. I was thinking the other day that I hope you give your kids more than a life they have to struggle beautifully to overcome. You write so well. I'm not being presumptuous in noting that your life's recurring themes involved drugs and alcohol; I'm just being literate really. If I didn't know your family I would gracefully accept the fact that you're a great writer and likely a blooming alcoholic. I would think it was great, like Ernest Hemingway. All he did was write novels and get drunk and amass a crazy collection of six-toed cats. And that's fine. Are you working on being published? It doesn't really matter even if you are, because I have seen the filth your father lives in and I don't want his existence to become yours or yours to become his or whichever of the tragic ways it would go. When a stepfather becomes abusive and a stepdaughter bears the burden of his addiction, and when a real father lies in a inebriated coma for much of all his days, I don't think they're searching for a "greater understanding of self." I think that's the point where self has already been lost. Maybe I don't want you to lose yours.

i forgot about this journal. those anonymous post things have always been my favorite. i still have no idea who wrote this but i wish i did. i am glad that my life no longer revolves around drugs and alcohol. i still drink but my blood is clean (minus the cigarette smoking). i am bursting with energy right now. wanting to scream and sing at the top of my lungs. listening to lifetime, something i have not done since high school. i need to get ready for work. i really just feel like going outside and playing with the neighbors pups and soaking up the sun. but the wind might ruin that. maybe i will start writing in this again. i can never make up my mind. it's okay though. i am going to have a party sometime soon. i need to. and also i have to work monday-sunday (double!). my floor manager must hate me. i feel like bitching but i made a list of goals and positive patty is kicking negative nancy's ass as of late.

capillaries @ 2006-11-13T22:51:00

2006-11-14T03:51:58Z

i am so tired.
went to look at apartments.
found a really cheap one.
700 something a month.
they were selling knockoffs in the office.
welcome to the ghetto.
i really don't care though.
it's a roof and it's cheap.
went to ATL.
took so many pictures.
got lost for two hours.
went to see cole today.
he is two weeks old.
he was so tiny.
so beautiful.
i can't wait to love something
so beautiful.
to really love something more than
life itself.
i'm getting drunk right now.
just read my journal.
this summer was horrible.
my life is completely fucked because
of drugs:
"wooomp wooomp wooomp."
"so cold it burns."
"pick your pony."
xtc.
mushrooms.
acid.
xanax.
morphine.
who knows what else i've put in my body.
i miss him right now.
the drugs filled the void.
and when i had him, i didn't care for any other
feeling because i was so in love.
and love was enough.
i just miss loving someone.
i miss having a reason.
i'm happy but i'm not at my full potential.
i don't know if i ever want to give myself to someone again.
i made fun of chris for saying that exact sentence, but.
i really don't know anymore.
i just don't want to settle for anyone, you know.
i hate being the wallflower.
i need to break out of my own skin.
i hate that i can't open up.
i'm trying to change.
really, i am.
but i think this is who i am.

a beautiful day

2006-03-12T22:13:35Z

capillaries @ 2006-03-07T16:08:00

2006-03-07T21:09:11Z

switching back to routinefumbling.
i'll add you guys on there.

capillaries @ 2006-03-06T03:06:00

2006-03-06T08:19:20Z

well too much silence can be misleading.
you're drifting,
i can hear it in the way that you're breathing.
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came,
well it's leaving,
it's leaving

today i woke up at 3
in the afternooon and then i
started drinking at 6 and then
i sat outside for about five or
six hours. i watched the sunset
and then i remembered that
if you stare at the sun,
there is a possibility that
you could go blind.

i met a kid named nathan and i
gave him:

chuck palahniuk's survivor
and look look magazine and
betting on the muse by charles
bukowski. he said it was his
uncle's favorite author.i told
him he would fall in love,
hopefully. i am eating grapes
and contemplating the meaning of
life and why do i always call everyone
that hates me when i am drunk?
plain and simple, i miss them.

i am so tired
of trying to explain myself to people.

capillaries @ 2006-03-05T01:22:00

2006-03-05T06:23:13Z

apparently i got sick last night too.
i love how i can't remember it though.
i need to quit drinking!

capillaries @ 2006-03-04T02:20:00

2006-03-04T07:33:56Z

tonight i went over to michael's with katelyn. i had three mixed drinks and three beers and i hit the gravity bong and also the bowl twice. which means i am gone. i called my dad. he told me i sang out of tune. erin and i sang each other howie day and laughed for about ten minutes straight. i also talked to lauren who i miss so much. tonight at michaels, the stars were out and the trees enclosed me. i found orion's belt and missed melissa because when we were tripping we looked for orions belt for about twenty minutes. i am in such a good mood. i bought a pack of five dollar cloves tonight. they made me sick. i smoked cloves before i smoked cigarettes. yuckyuckyuck. i miss my backyard and my puppy dogs.

either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when I was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb, unsophisticated.
I had bad blood, a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman.

I was living a hell in
small rooms, I broke
things, smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted, jailed,in and
out of fights, in and out
of my mind.
women were something
to screw and rail
at, I had no male
friends,

I changed jobs and
cities, I hated holidays,
babies, history,
newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,
marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,
english accents,spain,
france,italy,walnuts and
the color
orange.
algebra angred me,
opera sickened me,
charlie chaplin was a
fake
and flowers were for
pansies.

peace an happiness to me
were signs of
inferiority,
tenants of the weak
an
addled
mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage through
any number of
women-it gradually
began to occur to
me
that I wasn't different

from the
others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome
with hatred,
glossed over with petty
grievances,
the men I fought in
alleys had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching, cheating for
some insignificant
advantage,
the lie was the
weapon and the
plot was
empty,
darkness was the
dictator.

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less I needed
the better I
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow.

I could never accept
life as it was,
i could never gobble
down all its
poisons
but there were parts,
tenious magic parts
open for the
asking.

I re-formulated
I don't know when,
date, time, all
that
but the change
occurred.
something in me
relaxed, smoothed
out.
i no longer had to
prove that I was a
man,

I didm't have to prove
anything.

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty
of those.
like say, the boss
behind his desk,
he is going to have
to fire me.

I've missed too many
days.
he is dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses,
he says, "I am going
to have to let you go"

"it's all right" I tell
him.

He must do what he
must do, he has a
wife, a house, children.
expenses, most probably
a girlfreind.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing
sunshine.
the whole day is
mine
temporailiy,
anyhow.

(the whole world is at the
throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent,
disillusioned)

I welcomed shots of
peace, tattered shards of
happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels, breasts,
singing,the
works.

(dont get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all
basic problems just for
the sake of
itself-
this is a shield and a
sickness.)

The knife got near my
throat again,
I almost turned on the
gas
again
but when the good
moments arrived
again
I didn't fight them off
like an alley
adversary.
I let them take me,
i luxuriated in them,
I bade them welcome
home.
I even looked into
the mirror
once having thought
myself to be
ugly,
I now liked what
I saw,almost
handsome, yes,
a bit ripped and
ragged,
scares, lumps,
odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie
star faces
like the cheeks of
a baby's
butt.

and finally I discovered
real feelings of
others,
unheralded,
like lately,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,
for the track,
i saw my wife in bed,
just the
shape of
her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and
the dying,
the pyramids,
Mozart dead
but his music still
there in the
room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the toteboard waiting for
me)
I saw the shape of my
wife's head,
she so still,
I ached for her life,
just being there
under the
covers.

I kissed her in the,
forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelous
car,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the
drive.
feeling warm to
the fingertips,
down to my
foot on the gas
pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill
past the houses
full and empty
of
people,
I saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved
back
at me.

i love bukowski.

they treat us like gold, dug up to be sold.

2006-03-03T17:01:41Z

youaintnopicasso.com
has some page france mp3's up.
they sound just as good live as
they do on their album.

capillaries @ 2006-03-03T11:48:00

2006-03-03T16:49:53Z

why in the world would anybody
want their mouth to look like that?

capillaries @ 2006-03-03T02:55:00

2006-03-03T08:05:32Z

"don't dwell over people who are
in your past. there is a reason
they are in your past and not
in your future."

cheesy? kind of. but it makes a lot of sense.
tuesday night i smoked two bowls and drank
two mixed drinks. baaad combination. i ended
up getting sick and wednesday morning i woke
up drunk. fun! last night i went to dinner with
katelyn and laura. we decided to go explore
valdosta. i love just randomly driving. we found
a really pretty lake that we weren't allowed
to go to because it was in a gated community.
we ended up going to michael's house where
we smoked out of the hookah and listened to
persian music. the music was really beautiful.
the coals that we used with the hookah kept
sparking. they reminded me of tiny fireworks.
michael asked to draw our hands for his art
portfolio. he's a really good artist. i was
looking through his sketchbook, completely in awe.
he also let us look through his photos and i
realized how much i miss taking pictures.
katelyn and i went outside and i learned that she
likes exploring abandoned houses too so we're
going to drive around valdosta and see what
we can find. before we left michael's we hit
the g-bong, which is probably my favorite thing
to smoke out of. we came back to campus and
walked to the huge fountain on the front lawn.
the stars weren't out and the clouds lit up the
sky. it was just a really nice night.

on another note:
i'll be home in seven days.
which just happens to be erin's
big 2-0. i'm sososososo excited.

youaintnopicasso.com

2006-02-25T02:22:59Z

P.S. Listen to this song.
The Bound Stems- Wake Up, Ma & Pa Are Gone
I actually don't know how many
of you would enjoy this.

capillaries @ 2006-02-19T05:56:00

2006-02-19T12:00:26Z

silent hearts have lost all
their rage.

capillaries @ 2006-02-17T15:17:00

2006-02-17T20:19:48Z

i want my whole life lined
with a topical anesthetic.
chuck palahniuk

this thing beating in my chest,
well, i really don't want it anymore.

capillaries @ 2006-02-14T18:12:00

2006-02-14T23:13:14Z

everyone thinks i'm falling apart.
all i want to do is prove them wrong.

capillaries @ 2006-02-13T22:25:00

2006-02-14T03:25:55Z

i just walked in on this meeting thing called sex, lies and chocolate. it's crazy. "do girls like it when guys go down on them? do boys expects sex on valentines day? blaaaah." it's pretty funny. since singles' awareness day is tomorrow we figured we'd celebrate with a brand new bottle of mccormicks tonight. hmm, yes i am that pathetic. i'm about 90% positive that i'm going to go to bonnaroo. hello, radiohead is going to be playing. a lot of people i know are going. vsu road trip 2006! i hope cat power is still going to be performing. today in biology we watched a video from pbs and now i want a cuddlefish that will change colors. i'm looking forward to spring break and working at carrabba's, seeing as i don't have a dime to my name and sadly, i'm serious. i've been living off loans since august.

capillaries @ 2006-02-11T20:24:00

2006-02-12T01:24:53Z

Listen to Chris Simpson's Zookeeper.
And have a good night!

capillaries @ 2010-02-10T21:23:00

2006-02-11T02:24:16Z

Post anonymously, and say anything.

This may not work but it's worth a shot.

capillaries @ 2006-02-10T18:35:00

2006-02-10T23:36:18Z

i think i hate myself more today than i have in a really long time.

must be the colors and the kids that keep me alive.

everybody knows.

2006-02-01T04:14:02Z

breath of the bloodsucker

i've fallen in love with this song.
do the same.

nerdyshirts.com

2006-01-19T23:16:44Z

this shirt sums up my life, basically.

capillaries @ 2006-01-19T00:47:00

2006-01-19T08:48:34Z

The phone is ringing again already. The thin little coating of crumbs on the veal cutlet is almost impossible for me to get right, and on the phone is a new girl, crying. I ask right away if she'll trust me. I ask if she'll tell me everything.

My goldfish and me, both of us are just here swimming in one place.

The cutlet looks dug out of a cat box.

To calm this girl down, to get her to listen, I tell her the story about my fish. This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet that someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.

capillaries @ 2006-01-18T13:39:00

2006-01-18T22:17:43Z

what an unproductive week this has been. i skipped all four of my classes today. i wasnt planning on it, it just kind of happened. i did get my license though, and a new picture, which is horrible. i really want to listen to knife party by the deftones right now. last night melissa and i went over to brandon's apartment. we only planned on drinking a little. instead, i drank half of my bottle and melissa drank her entire bottle. i must have packed the bong about, oh, 10 times. i wish i was exaggerating. i think i filled the bowl twice. we went to some really lame party. i ended up talking to erin, who was hanging out at my house, and i remember her telling me about a pig alien? melissa and i sat in her car and listened to music. we went to walmart because the guys wanted wine. i played one of those claw games, you know where you try to get dumb prizes. and i won a bird. we went back to brandons. there were probably 10 people there. melissa and i were the only girls. richard played/sang me wonderwall. i really enjoyed it. i ended up calling chris and he played me guitar and sang to me too. i have a problem with drunk dialing. i also really like to sing when i get drunk, so i apologize if i made you listen to me sing one way letter last night. around 3, maybe, i came back to the dorm where i proceeded to throw up and then fall asleep. fun fun fun! hope you're all having good days!

capillaries @ 2006-01-16T20:24:00

2006-01-17T01:28:44Z

my mom just told me that she likes to watch nancy grace. gross.

and i'll carry this casket if it's what i have to do.

2006-01-16T08:15:36Z

too many substances and not enough pure feeling.
i think i've lost track of who i was supposed to be/come.